Surrender: What? You get more when you give up?

Most standers will tell you that you need to give your marriage, spouse, and family over to God, to surrender it all to Him, in order to be strong enough to persevere in your stand.  Giving it all over to God can mean different things to different people since we are all experiencing different circumstances.  But I think it universally means to stop trying to control the outcome of the mess that’s swirling around you; stop trying to manipulate situations where you think you can do something to change their minds; stop quoting to them scriptures or trying to make them feel guilty; basically, to refrain from trying to help God work out your marriage problems.

This is easier said than done.  As humans we feel like we can fix problems.  We feel like we have enough knowledge about our lives, family, children, and spouses that we know what to do to bring about a lasting change.  That might work with simple problems, but the breakdown of a marriage is not a simple problem.  There is so much more going on with this kind of problem that only divine intervention will bring about a Godly, lasting change. 

So, you “give it all to God” to deal with.  You still intercede for help for our spouses by prayer and fasting, but you stop trying to fix it yourself.  One way to get to surrender is to look at yourself first.  Confession of your own sins and awareness of your own faults will change your focus.  A focus that you will now have on changing your own relationship with God, and getting closer to God - because He is God and NOT because of what he can do for you. 

This surrender can be a long process and it takes effort on your part but it is so very much worth it for you not only get a closer relationship with our Creator, but like the Loving Father He is, He gives you more than you ask for. 

I have made a list of what I have experienced after complete surrender of my marriage to God:

1.     Peace beyond all understanding – this brings with it sleep-filled nights as opposed to constant tossing and turning.  The fears and anxieties of separation and divorce leave your mind. 

2.     Forgiveness – you are able to forgive your spouse, in a Godly sense.  When God forgives you He never remembers your sin again.  You forget the past deeds against you.  Your bitterness toward your spouse ends.

3.     Control over your own emotions – no longer have emotional outbursts over what your spouse did or is doing.  Control over your words (“zipping your lips”).

4.     Strength – becoming stronger in Christ, becoming an example of reliability and strength.  You still care about your spouse but are no longer affected by negative things they do or say. The ability to stop begging, pleading, crying to get them to come home.

5.      Steadfast – no longer entertaining thoughts of giving up on your spouse; and words from others advising you “to move on” ,or  “you can do better”, or “you don’t deserve this treatment” have NO effect.

6.     Discernment – the ability to quickly determine the lies of the enemy from the truth.  Seeing your spouse the way God sees them.

7.     The “Time Element” – the ability to ignore the passage of time and how long it may take to restore the marriage.  This is a huge blessing that God gave.

8.     God is “your world” – your focus changes from your spouse to God.  You long for and gain a deeper desire to spend time with Him and in His Word.  You enjoy this time with Him – it is not a chore.

9.     Other areas of your “world” change – you become an encouragement to others; your “default” reactions become Godly, instead of “worldly”.

I still pray for my wife, for my marriage and all marriages to be restored in God’s time, but it is no longer my main focus.  I have become more led by the Spirit and have received His many blessings in my journey.  It is often said that those following Christ will be looked at as “strange”, and standing for God to fix your marriage is no different.  Surrendering to Him is a key aspect of it all.  How many “wordly” people would agree that you get more by surrendering?  So it may sound strange to the world, but they will see the blessings you receive.

Be blessed.

Standing in the Blazing Furnace (Daniel 3)

In Daniel 3 the Bible tells the story of three men,  Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who would not worship as king Nebuchadnezzar ordered.  The king had ordered all members of his kingdom to worship a statue of gold at an appointed time and those who would not do so would be thrown into a blazing furnace.  But Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused to follow the king's order.  The king was told of their refusal:

¹²"But there are some Jews whom you have set over the affairs of the province of Babylon—Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego—who pay no attention to you, Your Majesty. They neither serve your gods nor worship the image of gold you have set up.” Daniel 3:12

King Nebuchadnezzar was very upset when he was told this:

¹³Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. So these men were brought before the king, ¹⁴ and Nebuchadnezzar said to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold I have set up? ¹⁵ Now when you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

¹⁹ Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual ²⁰ and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. ²¹ So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. ²² The king’s command was so urgent and the furnace so hot that the flames of the fire killed the soldiers who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, ²³ and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.  Daniel 3: 13-23

In our walk to stand in the gap for our spouses, going through a divorce or seemingly unending separation, it often feels like we have been thrown into a blazing furnace.  So many things are in turmoil in our lives and the lives of our family.  We suffer sadness, depression, loneliness, and heartache.  We suffer with financial issues and running a household alone.  We suffer from uncertainty, guilt, shame, and abandonment.  We feel as though we have been bound because we are powerless to stop a divorce from happening.  Yes, it is a blazing furnace of obstacles.  A furnace that has been heated 7 times hotter than when we were with our spouses.  One could be consumed by it all if one were to give in.

But lets look at what happened with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  
 
²⁴ Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?”
They replied, “Certainly, Your Majesty.”

²⁵ He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”  Daniel 3:24-25

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego had put their faith in God.  They were not going to bow to the demands of the world over God.  They were willing to give their lives rather than give in to the suffering sure to come from the blazing furnace.  And the fourth person in the furnace, the Son of God, walked with them and protected them. 

The God we serve is able to deliver us too.  But even if He does not, we must not give in to what the world pushes on us, namely divorcing, moving on, stop praying for restoration or, stop praying for our spouses to return to the Lord.  This is part of our furnace, but the Son of God is with us as well.

A standers walk is not easy.  It is like being in the furnace.  But, like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, if we do not give up on God, we will also walk with God and be unharmed by it all.

Persevere though your furnace through faith in God and prayer.  The furnace of divorce or separation cannot harm you when the Son of God is with you. 

And do not forget, in the end God saved those who would not give in.

When God Seems Silent

There have been many times in my stand for my marriage that I have asked God to speak to me - to let me know that what I am doing is what he wants me to do; to let me know when this will end; to show me a sign that will tell me that progress is being made.  Sometimes I do get a response, either through His word, or sometimes through other outward signs like things I see, or in conversations with others.  But then there are other times when it is just silent.  Either I'm not getting it, or He isn't speaking just yet.  It is during those times when my stand has been most challenging.  I begin to wonder, "Is this really what my life's purpose is?", "Did I imagine that God gave me this task?", and so on.  It is difficult.  I have heard from others as well that this happens to them.  Of course it does.  We are humans.  We operate on earthly time, not on God's eternal time.  We long to see something, anything, to keep us going.  We get to the point where God's promise isn't enough anymore because we aren't used to not knowing when something will happen, or at least not being able to make something happen.  We were designed by God to be this way.  Maybe so that we can develope trust in Him and Him alone.

An example of a time when someone wasn't being answered by Jesus is found in Matthew 15: 21-28.  This is the story of the Canaanite Woman.  For historical background, at this time Jesus is turning His focus toward the Gentiles because the Jewish leaders were becoming more strongly opposed to Him.  John the Baptist had been beheaded.  Jesus fed the 5,000 (proving He could meet the needs of the Jews) and then walked on water (proving Himself once again to be Lord).

Jesus Meets the Canaanite Woman

²¹ Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. ²² A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to Him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession.”

 

²³ Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to Him and urged Him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.” ²⁴ He answered, “I was only sent to the lost sheep of Israel.”

 

²⁵ The woman came and knelt before Him. “Lord, help me!” she said. ²⁶ He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.” ²⁷ “Yes, Lord,” she said, “but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

 

²⁷ Then Jesus answered, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.
(Matthew 15: 21-28)

 

Jesus must have known He was going to come in contact with this woman.  But why go there just to ignore her?  Clearly this woman was not about to give up.  What a great example of perseverence.  Here was Jesus, whom she knew could give her the miracle she was asking, but He didn't answer her, at first.  Here was a Gentile who was convinced that Jesus was the Messiah.  The conventional wisdom at this time was that Jesus would not help Gentiles.  This woman pushed through that conventional wisdom for the sake of a healing for her daughter.  She went against what the world said to do.

 

Was Jesus' not responding to her test?  If so, this woman clearly passed because Jesus ended up responding to her and healing the woman's daughter.  Her great faith must have been refreshing to Jesus.  She was proclaiming her faith for all to see.  Jesus was initially silent, then He provided her miracle because of her faith and He acknowledges her great faith!

The conventional wisdom for those facing a divorce is to "move on".  Many do "move on" after initially standing.  In remaining to stand for the healing of your marriage and spouse, you are showing God your great faith, even when it seems like He isn't listening.  Show Him that you are like the Canaanite woman.  Push through the conventional wisdom that God doesn't heal marriages/spouses.  Push through the conventional wisdom that we should just move on.  Push through the conventional wisdom to find someone new, and better...  Push through the conventional wisdom even when it seems like God is silent.  Show Him your great faith.  He will answer.

Rejection and Disaster

Rejection and Disaster

 

I would like to share an email devotional that I received today from Heartlight.org:

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"Surely you have read this Scripture: 'The stone that the builders did not want became the cornerstone. The Lord did this, and it is wonderful to us.'" — mark 12:10-11 (ERV)

Key Thought:

Jesus finishes his story by quoting a Scripture from the Old Testament that will become one of his early followers' favorite passages. The point of the quotation is simple: God can turn things around and do great things with what looks like rejection and disaster. This is precisely what God does. God raised his Son Jesus from the dead and vindicated his life, his ministry, and his teachings. What begins horribly -- the Son being murdered and his body desecrated outside the city -- ends in something marvelous -- Jesus is raised and death is defeated. While we hate the rejection, the wounds, the humiliation and the death that Jesus endured, God has made this precious to us. It is marvelous grace.

Today's Prayer:

My Father in heaven, the only one adequate response that I can give to all that you have given to me through your Son is thank you! However, dear Lord, I want that thank you to be more than words; I want to say thank you with all of my being and show my appreciation with the way that I live. In Jesus' name. Amen.

From Heartlight.org 8/26/2012
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Yes, there is great evidence that God can take circumstances that appear to be disasters, great rejection, etc., and turn them around into great things.  Keep praying that He will do this for our spouses, our families, and our marriage.

Repentance and Humility of One

If you would ask around I would bet that most people would disagree with you on the notion that only one of two spouses can work to "save" a marriage. My guess is that all will say that "you need both husband and wife to want to reconcile for a marriage to be restored." As evidence they say, "look at all the divorces".  

Now, marriage is a relationship, a special one, but a relationship like a friendship, or sisterhood, or brotherhood. But at its root it is a relationship between two people. Add God to the mix and it becomes a blessed relationship.

The Bible story of Issac is a great relationship story.  Issac was the miracle baby of Abraham and Sarah.  Isaac was the one from whom would come the "many nations" God so promised.  He had two sons named Esau and Jacob, two very different men.  Esau was the older son and entitled by law and custom to his father's blessing.  When it became time to give his blessing, Jacob deceived Isaac into giving him (Jacob) his blessing. Esau was incensed and wanted to kill Jacob so Jacob ran. Their relationship was now severly damaged, if not destroyed. But then God got involved.

Jacob repented of his sin and humbled himself in front of God and Esau.  Their relationship was restored through the repentance and humility of one.

So why not a marriage?  Can not a marriage relationship follow the same path as Jacob and Esau's restoration?  God has no favorites. (Acts 10: 34-35) What He has done for one, He will do for anyone.  Marriage relationships can be restored through the repentance and humility of one spouse.  There is evidence that it can be so.  The evidence is in God's Word.  Can there be anything more credible?

Standing Husbands as "Instruments of Salvation"

I have been thinking about how Jacob must have felt when he was told that his favored-son Joseph had been killed by an animal.  How he was devastated by this terrible news.  He felt as though he could not go on living.  But we know that God had other plans to use Joseph mightily for His purposes.  Joseph didn't want this.  He faced terrible conditions and treatment - slavery and prison.  But he rose above all of it and later, as we know, he became a great and powerful instrument of salvation, used by God to benefit many.  

The following is a post I found online that speaks to this:

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There is a story about a man who was the sole survivor of a ship which sank at sea. He was able to make a small raft of some of the ship’s cargo and eventually drift to a desert island. There he constructed a make-shift shelter and lived on what little food he had been able to salvage from the wreckage. Time after time he had attempted unsuccessfully to attract the attention of a passing ship. Finally, he saw a ship approaching more closely and hurriedly set a signal fire ablaze. To his dismay, the ship passed by and was quickly fading from sight. Accidentally, sparks from the signal fire set the thatched roof of his shelter in flames, and the man watched hopelessly and helplessly as all of his provision burned to ashes.

All was lost, he reasoned, and life could not last much longer. Suddenly he noticed that the ship which had passed him by was turning around and approaching the island more closely than before. To his great relief, he was seen by the crew and rescued. Once on board, the grateful survivor went to the captain of the ship to express his thanks. “But what caused you to turn around after you had already passed by me?” he queried. “Why, we saw the signal fire you made by setting your shelter on fire,” the captain responded.

The very thing which seemed to seal the doom of this marooned man was the means of his delivery. What seemed to spell disaster for him became an instrument of his salvation. That is precisely the case with Joseph and Jacob in Genesis 37. A tragic and cruel event occurred which, to Jacob, brought his world to an end. Life was hardly worth living, he reasoned, because he had lost the one thing which meant the most to him. But in the end, the loss of Joseph for a period of years was the means God employed to save the nation from starvation and, worse yet, from a loss of purity by being absorbed into the culture and religion of the Canaanites.

The emotional intensity of the events of the life of Jacob and his sons is difficult for us to appreciate. We come to this 37th chapter of Genesis in much the same way as we would watch the video replay of a week-old football game. We know the outcome of the story. We know that Jacob was in error when he later cried out, “… all these things are against me” (Genesis 42:36). Only in the throes of crisis or tragedy can we fully appreciate what Jacob is experiencing in this chapter. 

**Taken from "Jacob, Joseph, Jealousy, and a Journey to Egypt (Genesis 36:1-37)" By Bob Deffinbaugh, from the series: "Genesis: From Paradise to Patriarchs".
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How can we relate all this to standing?  From my prespective, it is relatable to our journeys in many ways as we might just be in the position of both Jacob and Joseph, as well as the man on the island.  We are much like Jacob in that we have lost our wife, our love, our favorite person, initially left to be sorrowful and wondering if we can go on without them.  We mourn our loss and are initially devastated.  

We are also like Joseph as we have been put on a journey that none of us want to take.  It is uncomfortable, painful, seemingly endless.  Just when we feel like things may have improved, we are again thrown into our jail cell of circumstances.  But if we persevere, as Joseph did, maybe, just maybe, with prayer, shifts in attitude, confidence and trust in Our God, we can arise from it all.  Joseph rose to stardom, to great heights, and was used by God as His instrument to save.

It is my belief that part of my stand is to pray for my wife's salvation. I often think "if I don't pray for her, who will?" So I see myself as an instrument of salvation for my wife.  I initially felt like a divorce would "seal my doom", but I have changed my thinking a bit.  Maybe this adversity is like what Joseph had to go through.  Maybe my wife has to live as the prodigal son lived before returning.  As for the other part of my stand, I am like the man marooned on the islandwho had a fire destroy his means of survival  -  maybe a separation/divorce was the very means of delivery for ME - to bring ME closer to God, to listen to God's call, to change my old ways of living.


The end of their story brings joy to both Joseph and Jacob.  Joseph got his family back and Jacob got his most-loved son back.  Yes it took many years.  But they finally rejoiced together.  Is "standing" for our wives also like the story of the man who was on the deserted island?  Just as he thought things looked their bleakest, there was a sudden turnaround (both figuratively and literally)!  I would venture to guess that if you are reading this you have also made changes to bring yourself closer to God.  Maybe like me, this has been a means of delivery for you too - being delivered to Our Lord and used for His purposes.

Remain hopeful.  Be encouraged.  Yes, we mourn like Jacob, but he went on living.  Persevere through adversity as Joseph did.  It is my belief that a separation/divorce may just be the means of delivery of salvation for the standing husbands, for our wives, and for our families.  In that way we are instruments of God's salvation.

Reminding God of His Promises

I was recently searching the internet and came across several teachings about “reminding God of His promises”.  I was confused as I had never heard this before.  Remind God?  He didn’t forget His promises did He?  Certainly He did not.  His promises are backed by the honor of His name and the promises come to us under the new covenant.  When we remind God of His promises we are also reminding ourselves of His promises - it is not to try to manipulate God. When we see all of His promises it should be encouraging, even in standing for your marriage.

Here are a few of God’s promises to us.  Praying them will remind you of how much God must love us.

God, You said You are faithful to Your promises and they are my protection.  Psalm 91:4

God, You said “It is not good for a man to be alone.”  Genesis 2:18

God, You said “When a man leaves his parents he will cling to his wife and the two shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

God, You said “What God has joined, let man not separate.” Matthew 19:6

God, You said “I hate divorce. Malachi 2:16 (NLT)

God, You said Your plans are to prosper me, to give me hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

God, You said my prayer has great power and brings wonderful results.  James 5:16

God, You said if I don’t give up I will reap a harvest of blessing at the right time.  Galatians 6:9

God, You said no weapon brought against me shall prosper.  Isaiah 54:17

God, You said You are a very present help in times of trouble.  Psalm 46:1

God, You said Your word will not return to You void, it will accomplish all You want.  Isaiah 55:11

God, You said You would cause my enemies who rise up against me to be defeated – they shall come at me one way and flee seven different ways.  Deuteronomy 28:7

God, You said I am surrounded with Your favor as with a shield.  Psalm 5:12

God, You said I will soar and I will not grow weary.  Isaiah 40:31

God, You said You will sustain me, You will not let me fail.  Psalm 55:22

God, You said You will meet all of my needs.  Philippians 4:19

God, You said I will find You when I seek You.  Deuteronomy 4:29

God, You said when I run to You I will be safe.  Proverbs 18:10

God, You said You will direct my paths.  Proverbs 3:5,6

God, You said You will rescue me from every trap.  Psalm 91:3

God, You said because I make You my refuge, no harm or evil will come near my dwelling.  Psalm 91: 9,10